We've been doing a lot of laughing
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Which is good, uh, for a comedy show on a comedy CD, but what we haven't been doing is a lot of thinking
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And I'd like to do that now, I've written some haikus
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Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, three lines
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Five, seven, five
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And I find them to have a certain
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Philosophical construct, there's a certain, uh
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Soundness in their simplicity, a clearness in their cogency, if you will
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So hopefully what we'll do right now is read these haikus, think for a bit
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And then when we go back, uh, to the
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You know, the jokes and the laughing
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They'll have benefited, uh, from the time we took to think
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So um, you guys just sit back and indulge me and just think for a bit and then we'll go back to the jokes
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Uh, can I get some blue light to set the mood?
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Perfect
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For those of you listening on CD, the lights didn't change which made it funny
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I saw a rainbow
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On the day my grandma died
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Fuckin' lesbian
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(Ding)
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For fifteen cents a
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Day you can feed an African
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They eat pennies
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(Ding)
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Old peoples' skin sags
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Because it's being pulled toward
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The underworld
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(Ding)
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Do unto others
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As you would have them do to you
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Said the rapist
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(Ding)
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My aunt used to say
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Slow and steady wins the race
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She died in a fire
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(Ding)
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Even if he is
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Your friend, never, ever call
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An Asian person
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(Ding)
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And finally
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Bono, if you want
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To help poor people, sell your
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Tinted shades, you cunt
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(Ding)
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Thank you, this next piece is called "Sonnet 155", or "If Shakespeare Had Written a Porn", and it goes like this
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I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs
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As I removed my source of Grecian power
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As if King Midas dared to touch the skies
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Upon thy body fell a golden shower
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Thy body's temples, two church bells had rung
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Upon thy chest, a row of pearls bestowed
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The sun had set, thy set with wary hung
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I thought, "How black a night and blue a lode"
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I said, "What light through yonder beaver breaks?
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It is the yeast"
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And now my belly's yellow
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My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes
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But 'tis not massive, I am no Othello
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And when that final moment came to pass
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Like Christ I came-a riding on an ass
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Thank you very much
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William Shakespeare, uh
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William Shakespeare was a verbal cun-tortionist
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He could bend his words in the way a contortionist bends his frame without hope that he could with a name like William Shakespeare
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William Shakespeare, some, some of you seem lost, look
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Say your name was Robert Frost and you couldn't write, that would suck
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Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby Frost and own an ice cream truck
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He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, six at a time and rhyme into the very last line of a soliloquy which finally said outright with a previous 77 rolling hinting at
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He had puns and quips and tons of trips of sons with ships with nuns with hips and buns and lips, but I had something that Shakespeare never had
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Penicillin
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See, it hadn't been invented yet, back then they only had "quill"-icillin
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Hey, it's not that hard, bard
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I'm sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William
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So if you could just listen up here and listen to this theater queer's theater query here and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life
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Say Van Gogh, and
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Lend me your ear
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You're not a writer
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You're a writer like fucking Hulk Hogan's a street fighter
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You write these dramas
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You accumulate your wealth
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You hold nature as to a mirror of yourself
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Just because you're messed up doesn't mean we are too
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Just because you want to bang your mom doesn't mean Danish princes do, what
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Who? Yeah, Hamlet, Shakespeare, that's right, the young prince whose father died at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied, sound familiar?
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It's the fucking Lion King
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You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche, what's next
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The story of a French king on a quest to find his lost son, Nemo?
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Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make
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"To be, or not to be
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That is the question, whether |