Ah, well, hello, everyone. Uhm, welcome to the Rehab Center for Fictional Characters. Uhm, alright, let's just get right to it. Who wants to start us off, how 'bout you Kris?
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Uhm, alright. Hey, I'm, uh, Kris Kringle, I'm a sex addict.
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Hey, I'm Santa Claus,
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I'm the king of snow,
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I hate my wife because,
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She's a ho, ho, ho.
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She used to please me everyday,
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Then she made it clear,
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That Santa's only s'pose to come once a year.
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(Fucking bitch.)
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Now I buy whores,
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Rock 'n' roll,
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And I stuff their stockings,
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With my north pole.
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Okay, Kris. Thank you. Alright, who's up next? Patrick, frowny face, get up here.
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Alright, I'm, uh, Patrick O'Riley, I'm a leprechaun, are you all doing good? Yeah, I'm not doing so good.
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I had a wonderful life,
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With a healthy household,
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And a beautiful wife,
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And a pot full of gold. (Ha!)
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Then my wife spent my riches all by herself,
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And since women are bitches, blew a Keebler elf. (Hm!)
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Now I drink all day,
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And a part of me dies,
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Cause my wife's gettin gangbanged,
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By the Rice Krispie guys.
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"Hey, I know them."
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Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up. Where were you last week?
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Yeah, I had some stuff... I had to work out some stuff. I'm, uh, hey, I'm Tony the Tiger, uh, fuck it, I'll just sing.
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Everyday I wake up, I get to work late,
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My boss says, "hey, what's up?"
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I say I'm grrrrrowing tired of this shit.
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The kids they laugh cause I'm a sensitive cat,
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"Big pussy!" I can't argue with that.
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If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes,
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I swear on my life, I'll eat his- parents.
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Ok, Tone, thank you. Uhm, so that's everybody. So let's just get down to it. Uhm, oh, who are you?
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Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah.
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I'm the Easter bunny, hey, I'm back,
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Used to be funny, now I'm hooked on crack.
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Heaps of heroin ain't no joke,
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Marshmallow peeps covered in coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke, coooooke.
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Ahh, coke!
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Drugs for life, that's my plan,
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But now I have no attention spa-eeee...
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Ok, I'm gonna go get him, alright? You guys just please, play nice, alright? I'll be back in a second, ok?
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Santa: "Hey, Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick. I think they got herpes from some Irish chick."
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Patrick: "Motherfucker. What are you laughing at Tony?"
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Tony: "I don't know it's, uh, it's funny, uhm."
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Patrick: "This is getting ridiculous. Santa, Tony, could you guys please stop?"
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Tony: "Oh, Snap... Crackle and Pop. [*chuckle*], 'cause they banged your wife."
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Patrick: "I'm getting out of here, this is fucking ridiculous."
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Rehab Centre For Fictional Characters
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| Bo Burnham |
