I’m a seven-inch cowboy
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With a tiny pair of six guns.
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Five’ll get you ten,
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I betcha never seen one.
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Well I’m a seven inch cowboy
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How do you be?
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And I’m used to people gawking and a-staring at me
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But I wasn’t always so gol-darned wee
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Let me tell you my story,
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You can listen for free.
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For seven long years,
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Now that’s a year for every inch I stand
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I’ve traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land
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Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop
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I’m at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top.
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I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me
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And every town I come to’s like a terrible dream
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The other cowboys mocked me and spit tobacco like meteors
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Watching me dodge ‘em and laughing at my small squeaky scream
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I went to a saloon to get a drink
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They wouldn’t serve me
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They stuffed me in a glass and slid me up and down the bar
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And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me
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They sang a song both cold and mean
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‘Cause that’s how women are,
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They sang,
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“A man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire
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Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere.
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Drive a brand new car, be a movie star
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Size is all that counts, and there you are.”
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And I’m a seven-inch cowboy
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With a tiny pair of six guns
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Five’ll get you ten
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I bet you never seen one
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(Yodeling)
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Now as you can imagine, I’d grown pretty bitter
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(Although that’s the only way in which I had grown)
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And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor,
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The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend I’d ever known.
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The mad Professor Mentley was his name and I drew near
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I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear
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I held my little pistols up and I told ‘im, “Look a-here!
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You made me this way, it’s time you pay, you gol-darned queer!”
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And the professor said, “Wait! Wait!
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Now you know me, and I know you
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And you know that strange experiments are just what I do
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It’s less like a pastime and more like a job
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Why if I didn’t do it, I’d be an unemployed slob
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Now I know that won’t suffice if I’m to set you at ease
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But I’m thinking as fast as I can for a man who’s down on his knees
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And just this passing moment I had a thought, here’s what I thunk, I thought,
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‘Where would you be today if you hadn’t’ve shrunk?’
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Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin
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Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin
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Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men,
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Nothing to set you apart nor would there ever have been
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Then I came along, yes ME, Professor Mentley!
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I gave you a gift! (though you weren’t grateful evidently)
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I plucked you from your average status, I made you unique
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You’re a seven-inch cowboy, not a six foot freak.
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From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you
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Nations will bow and throw their riches before you
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You’ll be diminutive in stature, but a titan inside
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Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side.”
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Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared
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And I wondered if perhaps he only said ‘em ‘cause he was scared
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My guns were weighin’ heavy in my hands, my heart was low
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When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow:
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Well my pop told me it don’t matter where a fella goes
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You can sail through icy straights and misty archipelagoes.
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Travel to the moon, orbit every star
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Size don’t really count and there you are.
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And I’m a seven-inch cowboy (seven inches tall)
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With a tiny pair of six guns (That’s mighty damn small)
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Five’ll get you ten (For all you bettin’ men)
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You’ll never see another one (yeah!)
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I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway
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There’s never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say
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Well, I’ve thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb
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Now I say Hollywood (Hollywood!), Hollywood (Hollywood!)
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Hollywood here I come!
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-----------------
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The Song Of The Seven Inch Cowboy
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| Pain (American Band) |
